March 4, 2010
To the cult I inadvertently started last night
To the people who have congregated on my lawn and called themselves the "Progeny of Orion":
I would like to start out by apologizing for the comments I made last night at the Red Lobster regarding the demise of the universe. I had been drinking quite heavily since noon of that day and was a little emotionally fragile after a serious fuck-up at the office which cost my firm a cool million. I was in no condition to claim that the only way any of us would survive the Earth's imminent explosion would be to come back to my house for inter-dimensional transport. Again, I apologize.
I am pleased, though, that so many of you have embraced this movement so readily. I see you have removed all body hair and coated yourselves in petroleum jelly according to my instructions which, again, I did not expect you all to follow. I don't want to say that I was in any way "joking", because by the looks of manic determination on many of your faces I can tell that you did not find it funny. I will say that I did not intend to find such a receptive audience for cult membership during happy hour at a Red Lobster by the on-ramp.
I should also make a special announcement for all the women among you, hairless and difficult to pick out as you may be. My problems at work recently have been compounded by troubles with my girlfriend who has recently moved out, destroying my self-esteem. I really makes me feel validated to know that Sarah missed out on becoming the Humanly Vessel of the Inter-Dimensional Supernova Jesus, whom I claimed I would father and that so many of you were willing to carry. And when I suggested that the mother of this new deity should be determined through a topless make-out competition, you were all equally committed. For that I thank you, but again, I apologize.
I should really wrap this up as I have to get off to work, but just to recap, there will be no inter-dimensional travel happening on my lawn today or any other day, despite what I might have said last night. Please put out the oil drum fires before you go and take the vats of feces with you. Thank you very much.