Other GPS Voices

 A seductive woman, a street-wise Latino, a sophisticated Brit: these are all options available to you when selecting the voice on your GPS. This choice can be pivotal as you are selecting the voice and personality which will be guiding your through you travels, directing you when you're lost, and talking you off when you've gotten that desperate. Celebrities have even gotten in on it. Imagine Kim Cattrall telling you to make a right turn at the next light or Burt Reynolds mixing ethnic slurs in with his directions to your next meeting. Here are a few others which will soon be available:

1. Albert the lazy-eyed fishmonger
Albert is an half-Chinese, half-Japanese fish and seafood professional. More than anything else in the world, Albert wants to sell you oysters. He'll get you where you're going, but he is also going to try to get you to buy a dozen fresh Malpeques and a sack of day-old scallops in a thickly-accented semi-English. Where's the nearest Jiffy Lube, Albert? He'll tell you right after he's done scaling that grouper.

2. Angry Drifter
Angry Drifter does not have a name, or at least won't tell it to you until you've given him a cigarette. He's seen a lot -- too much even -- and he's lost even more. To him, the most efficient route to the airport at rush hour is the one with the least heartbreak, and distance is measured in stories, not miles. If you're waiting for him to tell you which exit you should take for Arby's, you might only get silence, because Angry Drifter could give a fuck about you and your problems.

3. Bernadette the wedding planner
Here's the thing with Bernadette: she's new at this. She graduated with a degree in marketing and thought that she'd be doing PR for Chanel by now, but after a few years of bumping around advertising agencies compiling market research and trying unsuccessfully to fellate her bosses, she finally decided to join her friend's wedding planning company. She has not quite seized on the concept of "owning" her own recommendations, so she will invariably give you three or four different options at every intersection, depending on the theme you're going for and what your budget is.

4. Red Sox Fan/Closeted Homosexual
It's every indecipherable Boston accent you've ever heard, but with a twist: he's into dudes. He'll call you a "queah" when you take a wrong turn, but the self-loathing is so obvious that you can't help but feel sorry for him. If he's drunk, you might get a long crying jag instead of directions to the golf course, or he'll guide you to some guy named Tommy's house where he claims he "just needs to get a few things off his chest."

5. Heavy-breathing pervert
Apart from the alarming noises and grunting, this voice is clear and direct, commanding even, although you might find yourself passing in front of a lot of pet stores.

Seven One Sentence Stories

1. The Party
Dennis didn't care if Susan saw him eating the cake; the clown had given it to him, and Dennis had been raised to do what clowns say. 

2. Busted
No one at her office had ever suspected that Rachel's breasts were stolen.

3. One Less Thing
He stared at the ad announcing the sale of the trampoline, thinking that he should have paid the extra ten dollars for bold font. 

4. Maybe Tomorrow
As she stepped offstage, it made Diane feel better that the men in the audience weren't yelling her real name, because "Diane" was her grandmother's name, and her grandmother didn't even know a vagina could do that. 

5. The Undead Heart
Hua wasn't sure if she wanted to marry Ian, but today -- as with most days -- all she could think about was devouring human flesh. 

6. Last Stop
Pershant had finally gotten up the courage to poison all the donuts, and as the first packed train pulled alongside the platform, his heart pounded in his ears, drowning out the noise of the oncoming crowd. 

7. Under My Dead Body
"I wonder how many people ever actually see the underside of a coffin," thought Tess, as she waited for her dead husband's accountant to cum.

You're Invited to My TIFF Party!

The Toronto International Film Festival comes to town every fall, bringing with it the hysteria and flash-related seizures that everyone has come to expect. Actors come to promote their films which few of us will see, as festivals cater mainly to productions which do not contain the requisite number of horny robots to be commercially successful.

As such, most people really only care about the parties. Unfortunately, like a horny robot orgy, tickets are hard to come by. Fortunately, I am hosting my own TIFF party. I'm sure you have many questions. I have an equal if not greater number of answers.

You'll first want to know the location of the party. Do you know where the new Thompson Hotel is? Perfect, then you'll know that around the corner is the Estonian church whose basement I have rented out for the event. Andrus and Hele are the live-in caretakers and will be staffing the bar. Andrus doesn't like Asians and Hele still thinks it's 1972, so just play it cool if things start getting intense.

We may not have the most glamorous location, but we will have a screening! It won't be a festival film, of course, because TIFF didn't approve the venue and the church basement only has a VCR, so we'll be watching my VHS copy of "The Matrix". I'll be stopping the film occasionally to add my own commentary and to reenact a few fight scenes. If you're thinking this will draw out the evening and slow down the party, don't worry as I'll also be fast-forwarding through any scenes featuring Lawrence Fishburne as Andrus is not a fan of black people either. It's really just easier this way, trust me.

Will there be any celebrities there? In a word, no. Will there be cardboard cut-outs of celebrities there? In two words and an exclamation point, HELLS yes! Imagine showing your friends pictures of you chatting it up with 1989 Charlie Sheen or "Wayne's World" Mike Myers! Is that Sean Connery as James Bond? Crazy!

We'll have a photographer on site to document the entire evening from the glamorous entry through the parking lot at the back of the church to last call at 11 pm. This is also intended as incentive for all of you to leave your cell phones and cameras at home as Hele might stroke out if she is given any indication that it is not 1972. It's fun to pretend!

What should you wear? Again, part of the conditions of rental stipulate that we have to observe a certain religious modesty, so think Evangelical Lutheranism meets Hollywood North. Bonnets, long sleeves and dresses for the ladies and vests and fedoras for the men.

I can already tell that this is going to be THE event of the festival. I can't wait to see you all there. We're going to party like it's 1972.