October 28, 2010

Halloween Traditions from Around the World

Rat with the Hat (China)- Children approach houses and yell out from the street: "We are looking for the rat with the hat!" The people in the house reply: "We haven't seen him. You'd better look elsewhere." The children then say: "No no! He's here! He's here!" Then they run up to the house where a bag of rats is waiting and search through it until they find the one wearing the hat. They yell out: "We found him! Give us our reward!" The children are then allowed an eel of their choice and move on to the next house.

Scurvy Monster (Sweden)- The mayor of town puts on a burlap cape and pulls a wooden cart full of oranges around screaming: "I am the Scurvy Monster! I have all the oranges!" Local children surround the Scurvy Monster and throw pennies at him until he gives them each an orange. Recent practice shows that children have taken to throwing dog feces at the Scurvy Monster and that the Scurvy Monster has begun to carry pepper spray.

Wily Wally, Don't Fuck Our Pumpkin (Australia)- Wily Wally is a character who visits houses and stuffs mailboxes with root vegetables. But if Wily Wally doesn't think you're grateful for the root vegetables, he will fuck your pumpkin. That is why the whole family must gather outside the house and loudly thank Wily Wally and also ask him not to fuck their pumpkin.

Grannie's Ghost (Brazil)- Children go from house to house pretending to be possessed by the dead relatives of the people who live there and demanding that the valuables of those relatives be returned to them. Petrified, the people in each house surrender the valuables. The children then trade them for automatic weapons and machetes to support the gangs wars they are implicated in.

Your Father Is A Prostitute (Russia)- Under Kruschev, the secret police would send out packs of children to gather intelligence on their neighbours and report back in exchange for Soviet chocolate and their families' safety. This has been replaced by groups of children roaming around vandalizing homes until the father of the house comes outside and admits he is a prostitute.

October 11, 2010

Seven Things I'm Thankful For

1. The first man who put on a pair of jeans with a blazer and said "You know what? I'm going with this tonight."

2. The phrase "Check yourself before you wreck yourself," for giving me something to say when the salesperson tells me to stop smelling the mannequins.

3. That one ethnicity I really can't stand (you know who you are), for allowing me to blame all my problems on you.

4. SLR cameras, because without you boring people would have nothing to hang around their necks at the farmers' market.

5. My cuddle party group, for being so understanding about all the erections and crying.

6. Vodka sodas, for giving me the smooth, clean drunk I need to run Little League practice.

7. The 1988 film "Working Girl," for giving me strength when I thought I had none.