April 29, 2010

This home invasion has been really emotional

Could I have everyone's attention for a second? Thanks. Scott, can we lose the iPod for a second? This won't take long. I appreciate it.

Ok, so we've all gotten to know each other pretty well over the course of the past eighteen hours. We've shared a lot of ideas and feelings. Janice, I really think that you were very brave for telling Kevin how his job is putting distance between the two of you. And Kevin, you need to know how strong you're being right now. It's amazing, You should feel powerful. Be proud. But, despite this, I really would like to refocus the group's attention on the matter at hand, which is that I'm robbing you and holding you hostage in your own home.  

I think it's fairly clear at this point that I didn't expect this to take such a personal turn. During the weeks I spent parked down the block from your house, studying your schedules and patterns, I assumed that this would be your standard bash, cash, and dash job. I come to the door and pretend to need to read your meter, you invite me in, I knock out daddy and make mommy tie him up while I use a lot of alarming profanity. The usual stuff. But as I got to know all of you and began to understand some of the very powerful emotions that are floating around in this family, I honestly felt like I had been sent here for a reason. That is, a reason other than binding you with a large amount of duct tape and taking your valuables.

Janice, I can tell by the way you tried to seduce me when we were in the kitchen to lull me into a false sense of confidence that you are truly concerned about your family. But how about directing some of that sensual energy towards your husband? Kevin told me about how you have seemed sexually absent over the past few months just before I plunged his head into the toilet because he wouldn't tell me where the house safe was. Kevin loves you Janice. If he were conscious right now, he would tell you himself. And I'm sure you love him too. But you need to realize that you share a physical bond that needs to be maintained as much as your emotional one.

And Scott and Emily, I know you can sense the tension in your parents marriage, but don't take it out on each other. Emily, do you remember what you said when I told you that I would shoot Scott through the face if you tried to run again? You told me to go ahead and do it. You might have elaborated on that, but I do remember that at that point I stuffed your own socks in your mouth. But I'm sure it would have been much of the same. I don't know if you know this about your brother, Emily, but he is a sensitive soul. He wants to be your friend, but he's worried that if he tries that you'll just shut him down. He doesn't have to say it; his urine-soaked pants say it all.

But Scott, you can't let Emily get to you all the time. She's a teenage girl and she's going to say things just to upset you. But she doesn't mean them. She wants to be your friend too. But if all she ever sees in her brother is a victim who can't even stand up to a man with a high-caliber handgun who keeps on cracking open pills and sniffing them, then she'll keep doing it, I promise you.

I just think that there is too much love here to waste on fighting. You are all unique, beautiful individuals who have been brought together in this family and you need to enjoy it. I know it sounds trite, but life is too short! This experience should have made that painfully obvious. Especially for Kevin, who will probably need his jaw re-set. So just break down the walls and open up to each other! It's not that hard.

Things have gotten really real in here. I'm proud of all of us. I'm going to take your car now and go, but remember what I said. And also remember that if you report this, I will come back and burn this place to the ground. I love all of you.

April 26, 2010

Seven Secret Hatreds

1. I cannot stand waiting in line at the bank. I always look so stupid standing there in my ski mask with my gun.

2. I hate brussel sprouts. I guess it all comes from the time when I was eating brussel sprouts and a clown raped my dog in front of me.

3. I hate the feeling you get when you don't know if the oven's still on. You always end up pulling your head out, checking the dials, and putting it back in again.

4. I hate the albino baboon that visits me every night and poops on my bed. I also hate this new medication.

5. I've grown to really dislike my landlord. He's constantly taking a portion of my grain or housing his knights in my place or sleeping with my girlfriend. When I tell him I'm going to report him to the tenant board, he laughs and calls me a filthy peasant. I really should have read the lease more carefully.

6. I have no tolerance for ninjas. Their entire job is to make you look stupid. "Oh look, you can't see me because I'm hanging from the ceiling. Now I'm disguised as a shrubbery. Oops, I'm hiding between the couch cushions. Now I'm breaking your neck." Jerks.

7. There is nothing worse than hosting parties. Your house is full of people. They're eating your food and using your bathroom. They're asking you if you know how much you're hurting them and how it kills them to see you throwing your life away on this stuff. Your mother starts crying while your father glares at you. No one uses a coaster. It's awful.

April 22, 2010

My German friend Max does not like the names of North American sports teams

1. Pittsburgh Penguins- "I do not like this name. This is an ugly, stupid bird that cannot fly. If I were an eagle, flying majestically above the ice, my wings golden and proud, I would fly down and devour these stupid creatures. This is not the name for an athletic team; it is the name for a children's comfort toy."

2. Atlanta Braves- "Bravery is very important in competition. You will only achieve victory if your courage is greater than your opponent's. But you tell me that this is also a name for native peoples. I do not like this. Do not make me explain why."

3. Carolina Hurricanes- "The power of the natural world is very impressive. But it is impossible for man to harness it and the suggestion that he can is hubris. This name insults me. Do not bring it up again."

4. Toronto Raptors- "I have read about these creatures and seen them in made-up films. Their speed and ferocity make them admirable predators. But they no longer exist. They were not strong enough. A team named after them will only know defeat."

5. Phoenix Coyotes- "This animal feasts on the leavings of stronger, prouder creatures. It lurks in the darkness while the victors of the contest bask in the light of victory. To give this name to your athletes makes no sense. You might as well call them 'The Weak, Smelly, Filth Dogs of Phoenix'. But such a name would make even less sense. And it would not fit on the jersey."

6. New Jersey Devils- "Your blasphemy is insulting."

7. Orlando Magic- "Please leave. Now."

April 14, 2010

Don Draper sells the iPad

 Look out the window. What do you see? You see buildings, cars, people. But those are just small parts of something more. You ask yourself, what is all this I'm seeing really?

I look outside...and I see America. And the America that I see is not the steel and concrete that make up these buildings. It's not even the people. America is ideas. And it's greater than the sum of its parts. You could tear down this city and put up another and I would still look out that window and see the same thing: America.

But this is not the America of our fathers. This is a new world where people don't just want what they see around them. They want everything. And they want it when they want it, not when you decide to give it to them. Because your client, your customer, has ideas of their own. They have their own ideas about what they want to see through that window. They want news, entertainment, e-mail, everything. Because at base they know that the world -- like America -- is all about ideas. And if there is nothing stopping the ideas that grow and shape this world, then why should they be stopped from accessing those ideas when they want them, how they want them.

And what you're doing is giving them that window, right in their hands.

The iPad. Ideas. People. America.

April 5, 2010

Seven Secret Fears

1. I’m afraid that the squirrel that always sits outside my window in the mornings is going to see how small my penis is and not want to go out with me.

2. I fear that people are going to find out that I’m an imposter. Not in the sense that I’m a fraud and not good enough, but more in the sense that I killed a man and stole his identity.

3. I’m afraid of getting a sexually-transmitted disease from a toilet seat because then after that I’ll have to put toilet seat covers on all the toilet seats I use so I won’t spread it.

4. I’m scared that if they invent times machines the me from the future will travel back in time and tell me all about what my life is going to be like. I’ll be able to deal with that part, but not the fact that I’m going to be bald.

5. I’m afraid of commitment. I’m afraid of waking up to the same face day after day and having the same conversations with the cleaning and the nagging and she’s wearing my old t-shirts to bed and having headaches or being too tired not in the mood did you pick up stamps like I asked you this morning why not you knew I needed them you always do this yes always what are you doing with that pillow very funny no seriously I can’t breathe stop it. I’m also afraid of prison.

6. I’m petrified of bears. But I’m also petrified of death. So when my friend and I ran into a bear in the woods and he told me to play dead, I was torn.

7. The mailman scares me. What if he decides that he doesn’t want to leave me my mail one day? What if he decides that he wants to leave a bunch of scorpions instead? What if he’s waiting for me in the bushes outside my house right now with an axe? I’m glad I got to him first.

April 1, 2010

April Fool's Day in my family

April Fool's Day is rich in tradition and memories for my family. Why? Because my family loves to laugh together. Because we always believed that people are at their best when they're laughing. So, every April 1st, my parents would celebrate the day by bringing out the best in their children...through laughter.

One year, my mother woke us up and told us that there was a dinosaur in the backyard. We ran to the window and saw my father in a dinosaur costume, stomping and roaring around the garden. My four year old sister was so scared that she lost the ability to speak and is now a ward of the state. I laughed and laughed, mainly because I knew then that, even at the age of four, my sister was a colossal bitch.

The next year, my sister and I woke up and we couldn't find our parents. We found a note that said "Went time traveling. See you in the year 3000." I took that as an opportunity to play with fire. My parents were actually in the bushes outside the house, but were too late to stop the flames from spreading.

You would think that the tragedy associated with April Fool's Day would have dissuaded by parents, but, as they always said: "You only get rid of bad memories with good ones." So the next year they changed all the furniture in the house while we were sleeping and had friends of theirs come over. When we came downstairs, my parents friends asked us what we were doing in their house. I grabbed my sister's hand and ran for the door. The police found us three days later living in a drainage pipe eating garbage.

My parents are older now and my sister and I have long since left home. But I hope to give my children the same joy that my parents gave me every April 1st. I love you guys!