March 5, 2010

James Cameron's uncensored Oscar acceptance speech

Wow. This...this is really something. 

I want to tell you all a story that best illustrates my feelings at this particular moment. I attended one of the first public screenings of "Avatar" at a premiere in Los Angeles. On the way out of the theatre, a little girl pulled at my blazer and told me that she wanted to be a Nav'i. I looked down at her and told her "Sweetheart, how did you get by my bodyguard? Let go of my fucking jacket and fuck off." And do you know who that little girl was? I certainly don't. Because I'm James Cameron and I don't need to know shit.

I want to thank the legions of nerds who made this movie. Without them it would have just been the guy in the wheelchair and Uhura staring at each other for three hours. I also want to thank the studio for taking my threats on their life during the making of this picture with a grain of salt and not involving the police. But most of all I want to thank you, the ticket-buying public. Two billion dollars is a lot of money, and with video game spinoffs and DVD sales it will probably be twice that.

Thanks to you, I live a ridiculous life of excess bordering on the insane. You know that giant red pterodactyl thing in the movie? I had one of those things grown from an egg in a lab in Switzerland. It's waiting for me out back, eating garbage and screaming at helicopters. I had one of my arms removed and replaced with one from a Terminator. On the way in, I crushed Ryan Seacrest's hand when he tried to touch me.

I can breathe underwater.

Finally, I want to thank my ex-wife for holding to her belief that a bunch of green screens and special effects could not replace traditional film. Suck it, you bitch. Who's a limp-dicked faggot now?!

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