Hello my dearest,
In view of past miscommunications, hurtful words and actions, and general unpleasantness in the wake of your previous "Girls Only" vacations, I thought I should establish a set of rules which establishes the regime for your upcoming spring break trip that you will be going on with your recently-single sister and girlfriends to avoid any misunderstandings. Know that I'm only doing this because I value our relationship and want to be open with you.
1. You may have fun, but you may not "Go Wild" to then have been considered to have "Gone Wild" within the commonly-accepted meaning of the term.
2. You may engage in any or all of the following activities only while wearing at minimum a sports bra, crew neck t-shirt with built- support, or an Irish knit sweater: jogging, volleyball, trampolining, jump-roping, or beach hopscotch.
3. You may not speak to men with any of the following names: Brad, Chris, Trey, Johnny, Mason, or Dirk.
4. The following categories of drinks are prohibited:
- Anything flaming;
- Anything served in a receptacle with a capacity greater than 500 ml. This includes buckets, fishbowls, and bathtubs;
- Shots consumed directly off of, or in any way involving, any part of the body.
5. Participation in wet t-shirt contests where the prize is less than $500 is prohibited. Participation in wet t-shirt contests where the prize is more than $500 is permitted so long as victory is certain. Contest winnings under this section are subject to the Independent Vacation Tax and will be taxed at a rate of 55% minus the cost of the t-shirt.
6. Attendance at a party where foam is periodically injected in the common bar area is permitted only where the ratio of clear space to foam does not fall below five to one. If at any point the foam exceeds an average depth of two and a half (2.5) feet, you are required to leave by the closest exit.
7. You may not accept a beverage or narcotics from any individual without consideration unless the individual offering is an accredited healthcare professional acting in that capacity.
8. The following defences to offences under these Rules are inadmissible:
- narcotic-induced incapacity;
- peer-pressure based defences; and
- experimental lesbianism.
9. The "What happens on Spring Break stays on Spring Break" disclosure practice does not bar complete subsequent investigations conducted in relation to the provisions of these Rules. Nor do the "Don't you trust me?", "Why can't you let me live my life?", and "Stop choking me, I can't breathe" approaches.
10. Have fun! Because I love you!