You're the Haunted Suit Salesman!

A businessman will come into your store and ask to see the new season of haunted suits.

"Oh, they're right over here. Come this way, sir," you'll say as you wave your arm over racks and racks of the finest haunted suits in the city.

You'll pull out a grey suit and lay it over your arm. "This is a fine three season flannel blend, two button, double vent, soft shoulder padding which is haunted by the ghost of an irate real estate mogul from Denver." The customer will feel the fabric between his fingers and nod approvingly. He will try it on and although it's a bit tight in the seat, he'll say he can live with it.

Two weeks later you'll see him pass by the store again wearing the suit, covered in filth and screaming about listing prices and cheating wives.

You have no idea why people want to buy haunted suits, but you're not going to argue, because you're a ghost too, a ghost who sells suits haunted by other ghosts out of a store that is also haunted, by you, I guess.

YOU'RE THE HAUNTED SUIT SALESMAN!

Chuck Norris' 71st Birthday Facts

1. Chuck Norris doesn't need to recharge his Rascal scooter; it runs on his urge to kill.

2. Chuck Norris pees pure adrenaline, but has to get up three times a night to do it.

3. Chuck Norris likes soup and soup likes Chuck Norris.

4. No conventional adult diaper can hold Chuck Norris' stinky secrets; his diapers are made out of Kevlar and plutonium.

5. You need to speak loudly when you speak to Chuck Norris. His ears are arthritic fists.

6. Chuck Norris' hip replacement is made out of a old helicopter blade and a wad of Big League Chew.

7. Chuck Norris sometimes wakes up thinking he's back on the set of Missing In Action and demands to speak to the director about his inter-racial love scene. He won't be wearing pants and will have pooped in his bed.

Charlie Sheen's Twelve Step Program

1. There is no power greater than you. You can cure your disease with your mind. Do it now.

2. Now that you've cured your disease, collect a harem of porn stars and prostitutes. Give them new names. Make them swear a blood oath. Do not let them look you in the eye, ever.

3. You have an addiction. An addiction to winning. Overdose on it. Get taken to the hospital to have the winning pumped out of your stomach.

4. Make a list of the expensive things you own. Scream it to yourself in the mirror. Break the mirror with your face.

5. Announce to another human being that you are the new sheriff with an army of assassins. Are they trying to kill you? Kill them first.

6. You should have more of everything. How many prostitutes are in the room right now? The answer is "not enough".

7. Realize that your only shortcoming is your interaction with lesser beings. Get on your jet immediately and leave them far behind. Bring guns.

8. Make a list of all the people who have harmed you. In blood. Not yours though. Your blood can cure cancer.

9. Get in a helicopter and hover over the homes of the people on the list and demand they make amends for their wrongdoing. Do you still have those guns? Good. Shoot up their cars. Throw a prostitute out of the helicopter to show them you're serious.

10. You have poetry in your fingers. Use your fingers to create an epic poem celebrating yourself by touching everyday, inanimate objects and turning them into poetry.

11. Love and hate with violence. Lots and lots of violence. Are you being violent right now? You could be being more violent.

12. Through the pure exercise of your own mind, turn into an F-18 and fly directly into the Sun, harness its power and return to Earth. Wreak vengeance on the Jews.

Seven Ways to Listen to the New Radiohead Album

1. Lying on the roof of the abandoned building where you once went to elementary school

2. Staring at a broken bicycle

3. Drinking gin in an Ikea parking lot at 6 am

4. Naked in the front of the mirror crying softly

5. Painting your bathroom black

6. Combing the hair of a child that isn't yours

7. Baking a cake that you're just going to throw away

A Bruno Mars Valentine

I would produce a shot-for-shot remake of Glitter starring your grandmother and a select cast from the retirement home for you.

I would catch a grenade for you, but I would do that thing where I throw it right back at the person who threw it at me and it explodes in their face for you.

You know that slimy hair mess that's been clogging the tub? I'm not touching that thing, but I will pour a shit load of Drano down there until I'm not showering in three inches of my own filth for you.

I would serve cocktails in body paint at a Japanese bachelor party and acquiesce to the inevitable demand to play Sex Godzilla Poop Poop for you.

If you needed a kidney transplant, I would chloroform and ice bathtub a entire cheerleader squad just to give you a choice of kidneys for you.

I would teach troubled teens at an inner city high school that education can get them out of the ghetto for you.

Three celebrity judges. Twelve inmates looking for the ideal prison bride and a chance to win their freedom. Me as the prison bride. For you.

A Message from the Soylent Corporation Marketing Department

 MEMORANDUM

To: ALL STAFF- SOYLENT CORPORATION

From: MARKETING

Re: Public Image

Good Morning Everyone,

By now you've most likely heard the allegations circulating in the press. What started with a few rumours is now a waking PR nightmare. But we are dealing with the problem and wanted to assure you that everything is under control.

The first question that many of you must have is whether the rumours are true. In a word, yes. Corporate and Legal are coming straight out with it: we have been recycling human bodies and turning them into high protein supplements. Are we proud of this? We'll say no, but I challenge you to come up with a more brilliant business plan than feeding people the dead bodies of other people in pleasantly-coloured and shaped form for bargain basement prices. We should be given medals for our ingenuity. But no, all people do is scream and gag when they find out. In this age of sustainable living, where is the praise from the environmentalists? Nowhere. We come up with a cheap, renewable source of food but all we hear is "cannibal" this and "crime against nature" that.

But here we are and we need to deal with the situation at hand. We've dealt with public relations scandals like this in the past. Remember the "Soylent Red is feces" terror? We were able to bury it in one press conference with Gary from Accounting in a lab coat denying the rumours and waving a laser pointer. And as a cautionary measure, we actually stopped making Soylent Red out of feces for a few months.

Remember when Soylent Purple was causing sexual hallucinations and total loss of bowel control? What did we do? Only turn it into the number one party drug for nine consecutive quarters and sell more Soylent adult diapers than ever before. We all got bonuses. Remember those awesome, smelly parties? I've never been so excited and revolted. None of you have.          

But this crisis demands something more than a cheap press charade and product rebranding. We need real innovation. That's why we're facing this one head-on and launching a bold new campaign. Picture this ad: people coming together, smiling, enjoying each other's company and Soylent products. The slogan comes up: Soylent Green...It's People! It's about community and togetherness. You know it. You trust it. You trust it because it's familiar. It's family. It's friends. While other companies are cramming complicated chemicals down your throat, Soylent is giving you what you know. Soylent Green: Made by people, of people, for people.  

Some of you will be apprehensive. You'll think that we should take the approach of the "Soylent Yellow is rocks" crisis and spin it with a lot of fast talk about geology and dietary requirements. But if we can get our critics to accept this, they will eat their words. And their neighbours. And they will LOVE IT.

I understand that many of you must be worried for the future of the company. My message to you: don't be. We are going to come out of this crisis stronger than ever by making nutritional supplements out of garbage, dead bodies and whatever else we can find in ready cheap supply. And we will sell it. Because people will eat whatever we put in front of them, no matter how horny, sick, or incontinent it makes them.

Kind Regards,

Soylent Marketing

Seven New Year's Eve One Sentence Stories

1. Because of his father, Carlos had never told anyone that he was born on December 31, but he would always secretly pretend that the entire world was celebrating his birthday.

2. The music seemed to slow as they stared at each other from across the room with lust and wonder in their eyes, completely unaware that the test subjects had gotten out of their cages.

3. As they finished their last song and the countdown began, Terry looked across the stage at New Terry with hatred and satisfaction, knowing that once the poison took effect he would start 2011 as the only Terry in the band.

4. "Two glasses of Pink Champagne please," said Tyler, hoping that that the bartender would recognize the code and tell him where they were holding his daughter.

5. After his gender reassignment surgery, Brendan -- now Brandeen -- was going to celebrate the newest new year she ever had.

6. "Kiss me now, or the future will be forever altered," Bob drunkenly told the chesty redhead as, time traveler or not, he was on a mission to get some.

7. After four years, Cameron had decided he was in love with Christine and -- as long as the guards didn't find the tunnel -- he was going to tell her tonight.