April 5, 2011

You're a Credit Card Company Assassin!

You can't manage your debt because you have an addiction to buying antique scimitars online. Your apartment is full of them and no one likes going to your place for dinner because it looks like the set of an Arab porno. Plus you always make people watch Arab porno while they eat which no one likes.

But now you're deeply in debt to who knows how many credit card companies with no hope of paying them back. You meet with a debt consolidation service agent who laughs at your file and calls over the other agents to laugh at you. You wish you had a scimitar with you right now, but the local police have made it abudantly clear that this is not okay.

After he's done wiping his giggle tears away, he tells you what you already know.

"You will never be able to pay this off. Not in a hundred years."

"I know," you'll say, "But I need a way out. I'm in love with the barista at the coffee shop on the corner and I know that if I can just get my hands on a few more scimitars I'll be able to ask her to marry me."

"I understand," he says. "I think I have your answer. Come with me."

You follow him into the inner offices and down some stairs. He scans a card and punches in a code on a keypad which opens a heavy metal door. Inside is a training area with lots of yelling and running and flames and people wearing black and shit.

"Wow," you'll say.

"Wow is right," the guy says. You never got his name and it's too late to ask, so he's just "the guy".

"You're going to become a credit card company assassin. You'll pay off your debt with the blood of the wicked until you are free. Then you can marry your precious barista."

You sign some papers and begin your training. Six month later you are in Paraguay, living in a burnt-out factory waiting for orders. You keep yourself sane by writing letters to your beloved. She'll never get them, though, because you'll send them to the coffee shop and she'll have quit two days after you left for training to work at a Hooters by the airport. You'll be killed by your target's bodyguards after getting your scimitar stuck in an air duct. This is really a cautionary tale about online shopping.



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