April 20, 2011

You're a Medical Textbook Model!

You wouldn't describe yourself as "handsome". Baristas have called you "pretty good-looking" with a telling emphasis on "pretty" that made you doubt their sincerity. Your ex-girlfriend certainly found you attractive, but you looked almost exactly like her father whom she'd been dating for several years before breaking it off and going out with you. You had always suspected you were the rebound guy.

But you know what adjective people use to describe you most? Undiseased. People constantly comment about how your face was so healthy-looking, so untouched by exotic skin conditions or tropical parasites. Your mother always said the same thing. She would always bring it up when the two of you were dating.

One day you'll be walking out of the pharmacy when a man will stop you.

"You are the most undiseased man I have ever seen. We need to get you into the studio."

You'll reply that you're flattered but not interested.

"I don't think you understand. I represent some of the biggest names in the industry. Jeffrey Hutton, Roxanna Vasquez, Patricia Mason, all the big names in medial textbook modeling."

Those were impressive names, you'll think. Roxanna Vasquez was a legend. Her clear, unscarred armpits redefined medical textbook modeling in the 1980s. And Jeffrey "The Glans" Hutton had been taking up all the male genital work since he broke onto the scene in 2002.

"But compared to you they're lepers," the agent said. "Come with me and you'll be moderately well-paid beyond your wildest dreams."

He wasn't lying. The six months that followed were a whirlwind of photo shoots, industry parties and anonymous sex with medical student groupies. Your parts were all over all the biggest publications. Your clean, inoffensive body stood in stark contrast to those of your blistered, festering counterparts.

But one day everything changed. You were preparing for a diabetic ulcer of the foot shoot when she walked in. She had the face of an angel, body of a goddess and the foot condition of a plague-ridden leper. You were barely listening to the photographer's directions as you watched her limp to the craft table and help herself to some wet melon.

Her name was Fiona and she obviously knew who you were. You told the photographer to give her your address. That night, as you made love on your futon, you couldn't believe how lucky you were. Your agent would go ballistic over this, but you didn't care. You were in love with the most beautiful woman in the world, a woman who was probably going to lose her foot to diabetes.

YOU'RE A MEDICAL TEXTBOOK MODEL!

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