February 28, 2011

Charlie Sheen's Twelve Step Program

1. There is no power greater than you. You can cure your disease with your mind. Do it now.

2. Now that you've cured your disease, collect a harem of porn stars and prostitutes. Give them new names. Make them swear a blood oath. Do not let them look you in the eye, ever.

3. You have an addiction. An addiction to winning. Overdose on it. Get taken to the hospital to have the winning pumped out of your stomach.

4. Make a list of the expensive things you own. Scream it to yourself in the mirror. Break the mirror with your face.

5. Announce to another human being that you are the new sheriff with an army of assassins. Are they trying to kill you? Kill them first.

6. You should have more of everything. How many prostitutes are in the room right now? The answer is "not enough".

7. Realize that your only shortcoming is your interaction with lesser beings. Get on your jet immediately and leave them far behind. Bring guns.

8. Make a list of all the people who have harmed you. In blood. Not yours though. Your blood can cure cancer.

9. Get in a helicopter and hover over the homes of the people on the list and demand they make amends for their wrongdoing. Do you still have those guns? Good. Shoot up their cars. Throw a prostitute out of the helicopter to show them you're serious.

10. You have poetry in your fingers. Use your fingers to create an epic poem celebrating yourself by touching everyday, inanimate objects and turning them into poetry.

11. Love and hate with violence. Lots and lots of violence. Are you being violent right now? You could be being more violent.

12. Through the pure exercise of your own mind, turn into an F-18 and fly directly into the Sun, harness its power and return to Earth. Wreak vengeance on the Jews.

1 comment:

  1. Loving the lists. Reminiscent of Letterman's Top 10 (when they were actually funny).