A Bruno Mars Valentine

I would produce a shot-for-shot remake of Glitter starring your grandmother and a select cast from the retirement home for you.

I would catch a grenade for you, but I would do that thing where I throw it right back at the person who threw it at me and it explodes in their face for you.

You know that slimy hair mess that's been clogging the tub? I'm not touching that thing, but I will pour a shit load of Drano down there until I'm not showering in three inches of my own filth for you.

I would serve cocktails in body paint at a Japanese bachelor party and acquiesce to the inevitable demand to play Sex Godzilla Poop Poop for you.

If you needed a kidney transplant, I would chloroform and ice bathtub a entire cheerleader squad just to give you a choice of kidneys for you.

I would teach troubled teens at an inner city high school that education can get them out of the ghetto for you.

Three celebrity judges. Twelve inmates looking for the ideal prison bride and a chance to win their freedom. Me as the prison bride. For you.