July 1, 2010
Canada: An Acrostic
C is for Crosby, Sidney Crosby, who is a national hero, although I have it on good authority that he's a premature ejaculator.
A is for Afghanistan, where unfortunately some excellent Canadians go to be killed by people who mistake them for Americans. Being mistaken for an American is a leading cause of death for Canadians everywhere.
N is for Nunavut, which is a northern territory where many of the real Canadians live. Let's be honest; they were here first.
A is for America, the country just south of Canada, whose proximity we profit from greatly, but who often makes us feel like the fat chick at the dance.
D is for Dion, Celine Dion. You could be in a dingy karaoke bar on a rice paddy in the Mekong Delta surrounded by pleasant, yet illiterate, drunk, and horny farmers, and if they find out you're Canadian you will be made to get up and sing "My Heart Will Go On" loudly and passionately while they mouth the lyrics along with you and weep silently.
A, finally, if for aplomb, which is a thinky, college kid word I heard a British soccer commentator use that means self-possessed and unflappably poised, but it applies to Canadians, because it takes character to live in a country like this, and, at the end of the day, you always want Canadians at the party. Happy Canada Day.