June 23, 2010

Seven red card situations

1. You are ahead of me in line at the gelato shoppe. There is only one server working. You have questions regarding the difference between the espresso and the mocha. You sample both. You then decide that you're actually in the mood for something fruitier and taste-test the entire citrus section. You stare in the case, looking back again at the espresso. You do not get the opportunity to order however, because I present you with a red card.

2. You are my dentist. I arrive at your office before you do. I wait another fifteen minutes while you turn on the lights and send some e-mails. In the middle of the examination, the phone rings. You answer it and have a seven minute conversation with your mechanic. You ask me if I have insurance. I show you a red card.

3. Dinner at a mutual friend's birthday. You are seated across from me. This is the first time we are meeting. You tell me and the guy beside you about how Ferrari is no longer making manual transmission cars. You follow it up with a story about how you drove a Ferrari once and it was really awesome. I respond with a red card.

4. It is 5 am. I am asleep. You are the fire alarm. Despite the apparent lack of fire or smoke, you begin to emit a sharp beeping noise which wakes me up. I get up to turn you off, only for you to resume beeping a few seconds later. I decide that there must actually be a fire. I dress and descend from the top floor of my building down the fire escape. The doorman tells me that there is no fire. I return to my apartment and give you a red card.

5. You are standing with some of your friends in line to see "The A-Team." I am passing by wearing a pair of daring man-capri pants. You yell out the word "faggot." I keep walking. You laugh with your friends and enter the theatre. You take your seats. I am also in the theatre dressed in a stolen usher's uniform. I shine a light in your face and show you a red card.

6. You are the proprietor of an organic vegetable store near my apartment. I purchase a small box of raspberries. After a day in my fridge, the raspberries turn moldy. I return to your store the next day, close the door behind me and hang up the "Closed" sign. I jump over the counter and subdue your with a chloroform-soaked rag. When you regain consciousness, you are tied to a chair in the basement of your store. I am there with the moldy raspberries. I force feed them to you while a television shows live footage of your daughter playing at school. You beg for mercy. I give you a red card.

7. We have been dating for six months. I have met your parents and you have met mine. On the walk home from your cousin's birthday party, you tell me that you don't think that our relationship is moving in a positive direction. I tell you that it can move in any direction we want so long as we keep open lines of communication. You say that you don't think that will make a difference because people don't change. You also say that you've been seeing someone else. I fall over and start weeping and gagging. You tell me to stop. I tell you not to do this. You walk away. I reach into my pocket, throw the engagement ring into the street, and show you a red card.


  1. No cautionary yellow cards eh?

  2. You are an American on a bus in Paris. You are chatting with your friend in booming American operatic. Passengers exchange not-so-secretive glances and eye-rolls; they turn their noses at your shorts and running shoes. Disdain fills the air like a fine Camembert. Something rude about you is said in French for all to hear. You don't get it but you are catching on. As you step off the bus you give us all the finger. And a red card.

  3. I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt. I am angry bear. Grrrrr. I am large
    watermelon seed stuck in your nose. Zermmmmmmmmmm. I am small biting
    spider in your underwear. Yub yub yub. No mimes.


  4. this family deserves a red card from their dog - http://i38.tinypic.com/2nauteg.gif