July 14, 2010

Competing claims to the phrase "go suck a bag of dicks"

Viktor Vatslav- The Bath House
Okay, so I work in men's steam bath in St-Petersburg. I am "in between things" after discharge from navy. So my cousin he says "Vik, you like being sweaty and naked with other men, you come to work at my bath house!" I ask how much gay stuff I do. He says none but I take job anyway. So I do things like make steam fire and get towels. These are months of winter so the bath house is, like, super crazy filled. Anyway, one day I am collecting the soiled towels, bending over, picking up, bending over, picking up, and every time I look up all I get is butcher window of cock. Then this one fucking guy jump in pool with no shower so I yell at him "Hey Stalinqueef! What the fuck you're doing?!" And "Stalinqueef" in Russian is very very strong. It rhymes and everything. Then this fucking guy turns around and gives me hard to describe hand gesture which makes encouragement for me to sex myself. I become enraged and am looking around room like madman for something to hit him with, but all I see is dicks! Then I look down at towel sack in my hand and I am inspired. "Hey!" I say at him, "Why do you not then go away and suck a sack of dicks?" Everyone goes very quiet. The fucking guy stops smiling, gets out of pool, gives me head apology movement, and leaves room. Other man in pool comes to me after and tells me that is most amazing thing he every heard and gives me job in Ministry of Culture and Creative Mockery. I say yes and am still there today.

Aban Lutfi- The Mosque Parking Lot
I am Muslim, yes. I am an angry Muslim, no. I go to mosque regularly, yes. I go to mosque regularly and sit in a room with a bunch of sexually repressed young men and talk about ways to kill whitey, no. But am I an angry Muslim when people assume that I am an angry Muslim? Absolutely. I then become a very angry Muslim, which probably just reinforces the image that the people making the accusation have, but fuck them, I drive an Audi. One day coming out of mosque I'm chatting UFC with a few friends when this woman walking by with her kid, maybe the kid is five or six, and she asks us why we can't just get back on our camels and go back to "fuckin' Iraqistan." My friends and I are reasonable people, so we look at each like "is she fucking with us?" and just keep talking UFC. But she keeps going. She says "My husband is in Iraq right now serving his country while you people are walking around enjoying all the freedom he's fighting for." I turn around and say that she's being really insulting and that she should go home. But she doesn't care. She says "Or what? Or you'll blow up my house?" This is my limit, so I dig deep for something really nasty, really awful to say, and, thank Jesus-Allah, there are tons of Arabic zingers, my favourite being "Air il'e yoshmotak" which translates to "May you be struck by a dick." But I go one better and tell her: "Listen woman, may you be struck in the mouth with a bag of dicks." She says nothing, just gives a shocked blank stare. The kid starts crying immediately. My friends look like they just heard OK Computer for the first time. She hurries off and I chalk one up for moderate Arabs everywhere.

Chris "Tuts" Tuttle- Alpha Zeta Beer Bong Finals
I really have to admit that I'm not a huge frat guy. But I will admit that I am a HUGE beer pong guy. When I was a kid, it was all I would play with my dad. We had a ping pong table in the basement and I kept on wanting to catch the ball and throw it back instead of hitting it with the paddle. And before my dad went gay and moved in with my softball coach we would play our version of beer pong all the time, so by the time I got to college I was a seasoned pro. My frat had made it to my college's fraternity finals and both teams had just one cup left. I was lining up my shot and about to release when some assfuck screams out "Come on Tuts!" just as I'm throwing. It bounces off the rim and off the table. Other team sinks their shot and wins. After, this guy comes up to me and apologizes for yelling during my shot. I can barely speak I'm so crushed. All I could think about was my dad and the last conversation we had before he left. I was crying as he carried his bags out the door. I asked him where he was going and he told me "Well son, your dad's going to go out there and suck a bag of dicks." So I told the guy to go do the same.

1 comment:

  1. So, so, so good. Laugh out loud funny. I found your blog by Googling your name and Essay name after I received my rejection letter from the douches at the SFU Humour Writing contest.

    That's right, the same douches you are currently celebrating as the most astute literary minds of our time after your win. Congrats to you, I'm going to enjoy digging through your archive.

    I've got a little corner of the blog world myself, if you care to check it out.