1. I like sitting in Starbucks listening to “I Think We’re Alone Now” by Tiffany on my earphones, knowing that not a single person in the place knows how weird and fruity I am.
2. When my roommates are out and I have the place to myself, I put on my cat costume and play with a ball of yarn. Then I eat the houseplants until I throw up.
3. One of my secret pleasures is going to the market around the corner from my apartment and sticking my hand deep into the barrels of dried beans, feeling each individual one tickle my palm, then drawing out a handful and throwing them at children.
4. Sometimes I’ll bake a whole batch of chocolate chip cookies and eat them all myself. Then I’ll go masturbate in front of my neighbour’s dog.
5. I am crazy for old tins. I can spend hours in antique stores looking for them. I love the rush of finding the perfect tin, slipping it under my coat, and walking out calmly.
6. I love squirrels. My favourite weekend pastime is going out in the afternoon and watching them fall over drunk asking people for money and yelling at nothing. I especially like it when they find something interesting in the trash; they get so excited and ferret it away in their layers of heavy coats. My friends say that what I think are squirrels are actually homeless people and that I shouldn’t stare and giggle, but I think that my friends are jerks.
7. I love going to the zoo and re-enacting that scene from “ Express” by pulling up my shirt and showing the monkeys my nipples.