April 26, 2010

Seven Secret Hatreds

1. I cannot stand waiting in line at the bank. I always look so stupid standing there in my ski mask with my gun.

2. I hate brussel sprouts. I guess it all comes from the time when I was eating brussel sprouts and a clown raped my dog in front of me.

3. I hate the feeling you get when you don't know if the oven's still on. You always end up pulling your head out, checking the dials, and putting it back in again.

4. I hate the albino baboon that visits me every night and poops on my bed. I also hate this new medication.

5. I've grown to really dislike my landlord. He's constantly taking a portion of my grain or housing his knights in my place or sleeping with my girlfriend. When I tell him I'm going to report him to the tenant board, he laughs and calls me a filthy peasant. I really should have read the lease more carefully.

6. I have no tolerance for ninjas. Their entire job is to make you look stupid. "Oh look, you can't see me because I'm hanging from the ceiling. Now I'm disguised as a shrubbery. Oops, I'm hiding between the couch cushions. Now I'm breaking your neck." Jerks.

7. There is nothing worse than hosting parties. Your house is full of people. They're eating your food and using your bathroom. They're asking you if you know how much you're hurting them and how it kills them to see you throwing your life away on this stuff. Your mother starts crying while your father glares at you. No one uses a coaster. It's awful.

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