April 22, 2010

My German friend Max does not like the names of North American sports teams

1. Pittsburgh Penguins- "I do not like this name. This is an ugly, stupid bird that cannot fly. If I were an eagle, flying majestically above the ice, my wings golden and proud, I would fly down and devour these stupid creatures. This is not the name for an athletic team; it is the name for a children's comfort toy."

2. Atlanta Braves- "Bravery is very important in competition. You will only achieve victory if your courage is greater than your opponent's. But you tell me that this is also a name for native peoples. I do not like this. Do not make me explain why."

3. Carolina Hurricanes- "The power of the natural world is very impressive. But it is impossible for man to harness it and the suggestion that he can is hubris. This name insults me. Do not bring it up again."

4. Toronto Raptors- "I have read about these creatures and seen them in made-up films. Their speed and ferocity make them admirable predators. But they no longer exist. They were not strong enough. A team named after them will only know defeat."

5. Phoenix Coyotes- "This animal feasts on the leavings of stronger, prouder creatures. It lurks in the darkness while the victors of the contest bask in the light of victory. To give this name to your athletes makes no sense. You might as well call them 'The Weak, Smelly, Filth Dogs of Phoenix'. But such a name would make even less sense. And it would not fit on the jersey."

6. New Jersey Devils- "Your blasphemy is insulting."

7. Orlando Magic- "Please leave. Now."