April 5, 2010

Seven Secret Fears

1. I’m afraid that the squirrel that always sits outside my window in the mornings is going to see how small my penis is and not want to go out with me.

2. I fear that people are going to find out that I’m an imposter. Not in the sense that I’m a fraud and not good enough, but more in the sense that I killed a man and stole his identity.

3. I’m afraid of getting a sexually-transmitted disease from a toilet seat because then after that I’ll have to put toilet seat covers on all the toilet seats I use so I won’t spread it.

4. I’m scared that if they invent times machines the me from the future will travel back in time and tell me all about what my life is going to be like. I’ll be able to deal with that part, but not the fact that I’m going to be bald.

5. I’m afraid of commitment. I’m afraid of waking up to the same face day after day and having the same conversations with the cleaning and the nagging and she’s wearing my old t-shirts to bed and having headaches or being too tired not in the mood did you pick up stamps like I asked you this morning why not you knew I needed them you always do this yes always what are you doing with that pillow very funny no seriously I can’t breathe stop it. I’m also afraid of prison.

6. I’m petrified of bears. But I’m also petrified of death. So when my friend and I ran into a bear in the woods and he told me to play dead, I was torn.

7. The mailman scares me. What if he decides that he doesn’t want to leave me my mail one day? What if he decides that he wants to leave a bunch of scorpions instead? What if he’s waiting for me in the bushes outside my house right now with an axe? I’m glad I got to him first.

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