September 14, 2010

You're Invited to My TIFF Party!

The Toronto International Film Festival comes to town every fall, bringing with it the hysteria and flash-related seizures that everyone has come to expect. Actors come to promote their films which few of us will see, as festivals cater mainly to productions which do not contain the requisite number of horny robots to be commercially successful.

As such, most people really only care about the parties. Unfortunately, like a horny robot orgy, tickets are hard to come by. Fortunately, I am hosting my own TIFF party. I'm sure you have many questions. I have an equal if not greater number of answers.

You'll first want to know the location of the party. Do you know where the new Thompson Hotel is? Perfect, then you'll know that around the corner is the Estonian church whose basement I have rented out for the event. Andrus and Hele are the live-in caretakers and will be staffing the bar. Andrus doesn't like Asians and Hele still thinks it's 1972, so just play it cool if things start getting intense.

We may not have the most glamorous location, but we will have a screening! It won't be a festival film, of course, because TIFF didn't approve the venue and the church basement only has a VCR, so we'll be watching my VHS copy of "The Matrix". I'll be stopping the film occasionally to add my own commentary and to reenact a few fight scenes. If you're thinking this will draw out the evening and slow down the party, don't worry as I'll also be fast-forwarding through any scenes featuring Lawrence Fishburne as Andrus is not a fan of black people either. It's really just easier this way, trust me.

Will there be any celebrities there? In a word, no. Will there be cardboard cut-outs of celebrities there? In two words and an exclamation point, HELLS yes! Imagine showing your friends pictures of you chatting it up with 1989 Charlie Sheen or "Wayne's World" Mike Myers! Is that Sean Connery as James Bond? Crazy!

We'll have a photographer on site to document the entire evening from the glamorous entry through the parking lot at the back of the church to last call at 11 pm. This is also intended as incentive for all of you to leave your cell phones and cameras at home as Hele might stroke out if she is given any indication that it is not 1972. It's fun to pretend!

What should you wear? Again, part of the conditions of rental stipulate that we have to observe a certain religious modesty, so think Evangelical Lutheranism meets Hollywood North. Bonnets, long sleeves and dresses for the ladies and vests and fedoras for the men.

I can already tell that this is going to be THE event of the festival. I can't wait to see you all there. We're going to party like it's 1972.