1. Bella believes that she too must become a vampire to be with Edward. My doorman would like me to become a doorman as well so we could hang out and talk about movies and TV shows we've both seen.
2. Like Edward, my doorman swore he would protect me forever.
3. Other people are afraid of Edward because they don't understand what he is. People in my building are afraid of my doorman because they don't understand that he has mild Tourette's.
4. Edward gets very jealous if Bella is approached by other men. A delivery man once held the door open for me and my doorman threw a half-eaten muffin at him.
5. Just as Bella has made Edward act like less of a monster, I have encouraged my doorman to stop denying visible minorities access to the building.
6. Edward loves Bella so much that he is able to deny his primal urge to drink her blood. My doorman has similarly restrained himself from opening packages addressed to me.
7. The town disapproves of Edward's relationship with Bella. Similarly, the condo board has issued several warnings to my doorman instructing him to refrain from putting up pictures from "Thelma and Louise" with our faces Photoshop-ed on.
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