A lot of stuff I've recently said in job interviews

You look pregnant. Can I have your job?

I think you'd reconsider if you knew how big my dick was.

Okay, confession time. Resume? Lies. This suit? Stolen. This watch? Sharpie.

Be that as it may, you can still suck it.

Before I came here, I ate most of an entire batch of seven layer dip that was, I'm not fucking with you, OUT OF THIS WORLD. I swear to God, I'm going straight home after this and finishing that delicious bitch off.

You easily have the sluttiest mouth I've ever seen on a man.

Can you describe your average day here for me? Do it like Training Day Denzel.

I was just in the bathroom down the hall and I did that thing where you tuck your junk between your legs and pretend your have a vag. I'm not kidding, I do that like four times a week.

If you hire me, you're not just getting a guy who tells a lot of super-gay dick jokes. You're getting a guy who tells a lot of super-gay dick jokes AND did an exchange in France.

Seriously, my dick is huge. I'll show it to you if you want. I won't get weird if you don't.

I'm definitely a Samantha.

Okay, Reese Cups are GOOD, but I haven't bought a pack in like two years, so what does that say?

I guess the thing I like most about your company is that it looks like the kind of place where I could really get some serious spanking done.

Fuck me? No, fuck you!

Look, I don't want to tell you how to run your biznass, but how about you lose that frump wagon grossing up the reception desk and get a pair of Japanese man-chicks in there who can spend the days screeching on the phone and slapping the shit out of each other. Now that'll put some meat in the seats.

Okay, you're obviously being too weird for your own good, so I'm just going to pull out my stuff and set it down on these company brochures and let you soak it in. K? Just breathe, we're all going to get through this.