March 24, 2011

You're the Window Washer With a Horrible Secret!

You took this job to get away. To get away from all their questions. They can't get to you up here. Strange how here, standing on a platform seventy stories up, you finally feel in control, finally feel safe.

"I could never love her the way that she needed to be loved," you whisper to the woman on the other side of the glass. "I could only love her the way she wanted to be loved."

The woman on the other side of the glass doesn't hear you. But it feels good to tell someone.

You pull the squeegee across your reflection. "I could never leave someone who wanted me so badly. But I knew I was bad for her. I loved her too much to destroy her."

The woman lifts her head and turns. She looks up at you, but you can tell she doesn't understand and would never understand.

"The fact is that I never cheated on her. I made it up to drive her away."

The woman is still looking at you, concerned. She picks up her phone, says a few words, and hangs up. A minute later your phone rings.

"Jerry? Jerry, if you don't take off that fuckin' wedding dress we're going to have a serious problem. Don't bring that shit in to work Jerry. This is the last time."

You'll take off the dress when you're ready. Not a moment before. For now, you just need some time to think.


March 17, 2011

You're the Two Guys Who Share Gum!

Today is Thursday, which means you get the gum first.

Your phone rings. It's him.

"When do you think you'll be done with the gum?" he'll ask. "I've got a meeting uptown in an hour and I'd like to drive over and get it before then."

"I have to get my driver's license renewed today. I'm at the DMV right now," you'll say. "Can you come back downtown after your meeting to get it?"

"Susan has the car today and it would take me forever to make it. Can you get it to me tomorrow?"

You'll sigh. "You know what the judge said. We have to swap the gum at least once a day or we go to jail."

"I know. Do you think we could just not do it today?" He asks this almost every day, mostly on the days he doesn't get the gum first.

"Look, if we could unshave that bear we would, but we can't so here we are and I have the gum and I need to spit it into your mouth before the end of the day or we're both going to jail. So what's it going to be?"

"I'll come down after my meeting."

"Good. I love you."

"I love you too."


March 16, 2011

You're the Haunted Suit Salesman!

A businessman will come into your store and ask to see the new season of haunted suits.

"Oh, they're right over here. Come this way, sir," you'll say as you wave your arm over racks and racks of the finest haunted suits in the city.

You'll pull out a grey suit and lay it over your arm. "This is a fine three season flannel blend, two button, double vent, soft shoulder padding which is haunted by the ghost of an irate real estate mogul from Denver." The customer will feel the fabric between his fingers and nod approvingly. He will try it on and although it's a bit tight in the seat, he'll say he can live with it.

Two weeks later you'll see him pass by the store again wearing the suit, covered in filth and screaming about listing prices and cheating wives.

You have no idea why people want to buy haunted suits, but you're not going to argue, because you're a ghost too, a ghost who sells suits haunted by other ghosts out of a store that is also haunted, by you, I guess.


March 10, 2011

Chuck Norris' 71st Birthday Facts

1. Chuck Norris doesn't need to recharge his Rascal scooter; it runs on his urge to kill.

2. Chuck Norris pees pure adrenaline, but has to get up three times a night to do it.

3. Chuck Norris likes soup and soup likes Chuck Norris.

4. No conventional adult diaper can hold Chuck Norris' stinky secrets; his diapers are made out of Kevlar and plutonium.

5. You need to speak loudly when you speak to Chuck Norris. His ears are arthritic fists.

6. Chuck Norris' hip replacement is made out of a old helicopter blade and a wad of Big League Chew.

7. Chuck Norris sometimes wakes up thinking he's back on the set of Missing In Action and demands to speak to the director about his inter-racial love scene. He won't be wearing pants and will have pooped in his bed.