February 28, 2011

Charlie Sheen's Twelve Step Program

1. There is no power greater than you. You can cure your disease with your mind. Do it now.

2. Now that you've cured your disease, collect a harem of porn stars and prostitutes. Give them new names. Make them swear a blood oath. Do not let them look you in the eye, ever.

3. You have an addiction. An addiction to winning. Overdose on it. Get taken to the hospital to have the winning pumped out of your stomach.

4. Make a list of the expensive things you own. Scream it to yourself in the mirror. Break the mirror with your face.

5. Announce to another human being that you are the new sheriff with an army of assassins. Are they trying to kill you? Kill them first.

6. You should have more of everything. How many prostitutes are in the room right now? The answer is "not enough".

7. Realize that your only shortcoming is your interaction with lesser beings. Get on your jet immediately and leave them far behind. Bring guns.

8. Make a list of all the people who have harmed you. In blood. Not yours though. Your blood can cure cancer.

9. Get in a helicopter and hover over the homes of the people on the list and demand they make amends for their wrongdoing. Do you still have those guns? Good. Shoot up their cars. Throw a prostitute out of the helicopter to show them you're serious.

10. You have poetry in your fingers. Use your fingers to create an epic poem celebrating yourself by touching everyday, inanimate objects and turning them into poetry.

11. Love and hate with violence. Lots and lots of violence. Are you being violent right now? You could be being more violent.

12. Through the pure exercise of your own mind, turn into an F-18 and fly directly into the Sun, harness its power and return to Earth. Wreak vengeance on the Jews.

February 21, 2011

Seven Ways to Listen to the New Radiohead Album

1. Lying on the roof of the abandoned building where you once went to elementary school

2. Staring at a broken bicycle

3. Drinking gin in an Ikea parking lot at 6 am

4. Naked in the front of the mirror crying softly

5. Painting your bathroom black

6. Combing the hair of a child that isn't yours

7. Baking a cake that you're just going to throw away

February 14, 2011

A Bruno Mars Valentine

I would produce a shot-for-shot remake of Glitter starring your grandmother and a select cast from the retirement home for you.

I would catch a grenade for you, but I would do that thing where I throw it right back at the person who threw it at me and it explodes in their face for you.

You know that slimy hair mess that's been clogging the tub? I'm not touching that thing, but I will pour a shit load of Drano down there until I'm not showering in three inches of my own filth for you.

I would serve cocktails in body paint at a Japanese bachelor party and acquiesce to the inevitable demand to play Sex Godzilla Poop Poop for you.

If you needed a kidney transplant, I would chloroform and ice bathtub a entire cheerleader squad just to give you a choice of kidneys for you.

I would teach troubled teens at an inner city high school that education can get them out of the ghetto for you.

Three celebrity judges. Twelve inmates looking for the ideal prison bride and a chance to win their freedom. Me as the prison bride. For you.