January 21, 2011
To: ALL STAFF- SOYLENT CORPORATION
Re: Public Image
Good Morning Everyone,
By now you've most likely heard the allegations circulating in the press. What started with a few rumours is now a waking PR nightmare. But we are dealing with the problem and wanted to assure you that everything is under control.
The first question that many of you must have is whether the rumours are true. In a word, yes. Corporate and Legal are coming straight out with it: we have been recycling human bodies and turning them into high protein supplements. Are we proud of this? We'll say no, but I challenge you to come up with a more brilliant business plan than feeding people the dead bodies of other people in pleasantly-coloured and shaped form for bargain basement prices. We should be given medals for our ingenuity. But no, all people do is scream and gag when they find out. In this age of sustainable living, where is the praise from the environmentalists? Nowhere. We come up with a cheap, renewable source of food but all we hear is "cannibal" this and "crime against nature" that.
But here we are and we need to deal with the situation at hand. We've dealt with public relations scandals like this in the past. Remember the "Soylent Red is feces" terror? We were able to bury it in one press conference with Gary from Accounting in a lab coat denying the rumours and waving a laser pointer. And as a cautionary measure, we actually stopped making Soylent Red out of feces for a few months.
Remember when Soylent Purple was causing sexual hallucinations and total loss of bowel control? What did we do? Only turn it into the number one party drug for nine consecutive quarters and sell more Soylent adult diapers than ever before. We all got bonuses. Remember those awesome, smelly parties? I've never been so excited and revolted. None of you have.
But this crisis demands something more than a cheap press charade and product rebranding. We need real innovation. That's why we're facing this one head-on and launching a bold new campaign. Picture this ad: people coming together, smiling, enjoying each other's company and Soylent products. The slogan comes up: Soylent Green...It's People! It's about community and togetherness. You know it. You trust it. You trust it because it's familiar. It's family. It's friends. While other companies are cramming complicated chemicals down your throat, Soylent is giving you what you know. Soylent Green: Made by people, of people, for people.
Some of you will be apprehensive. You'll think that we should take the approach of the "Soylent Yellow is rocks" crisis and spin it with a lot of fast talk about geology and dietary requirements. But if we can get our critics to accept this, they will eat their words. And their neighbours. And they will LOVE IT.
I understand that many of you must be worried for the future of the company. My message to you: don't be. We are going to come out of this crisis stronger than ever by making nutritional supplements out of garbage, dead bodies and whatever else we can find in ready cheap supply. And we will sell it. Because people will eat whatever we put in front of them, no matter how horny, sick, or incontinent it makes them.